To start with…

Hello.

I’m… me.

You can call me blueangel; that’s nicely anonymous, it will mean I can say what I think and tell you some things about my rather strange life without giving too much away. I’ll also introduce you to a few of the people who cross my path (heavily disguised of course, to protect the guilty, the innocent and the plain daft).

I like secrets; I’m a very private person and the idea of coming here to write and talk and vent incognito is very appealing; I’ll be able to say all manner of outrageous things and you’ll never know who I am.

You see, I don’t have a very ordinary life in a lot of ways and writing about it is liberating, cathartic and a few other things as well.

I live… somewhere in England, in a large city. That’s near enough for now. I work for a very large organisation where I’m not exactly anonymous, but not a major player either. I didn’t set out to do the job I do; I wanted to do something rather more individual – as being individual is very important to me.

That’s probably why I have had a rather strange life. When I was a child I realised I was different and I didn’t like it much. It doesn’t “do” to stand out in childhood; it tends to lead to bullying and persecution, which was certainly true in my case. I survived, but to this day it pisses me off to see other people getting bullied.

I grew up in a very odd atmosphere at home; none of my family had what most of the world would describe as “normal” relationships and that has rubbed off on me. This is probably why, at an age when most people would say that I’m “old enough to know better” I have somehow acquired a husband, a partner and a lover.

Just to clarify things a little, I’m living apart from the husband, but I never had what could be called an ordinary relationship with him.

And I most certainly don’t have a normal relationship with my partner; hence the lover. But that’s for another chapter. Let’s just say it took a while and a lot of false starts to find the lover, so I don’t want to jinx everything.

To digress a little, one or two of the “false starts” appear unexpectedly from time to time, like the two text messages I found this morning that had been sent at around 3.00 a.m. when I was completely in the Land of Nod.

The sender of these messages is someone that I’ve known for the best part of three years; it never particularly surprises me when he tries to reappear in my life, but experience has shown me that when it comes to seeing it through, he lacks courage, or confidence, or conviction – or even a combination of all three.

It’s a bit sad really, as this could have had so much promise. Ladies – have you ever lived the “Mrs Robinson” experience? Young “Perfect 10″, calendar boy-type with a penchant for older women flings himself at your feet? As if not, I can really recommend it for ego-boosting purposes, as long as your own particular Graduate isn’t a THF (that’s Total Head Fuck, by the way; a little acronym I’ll be using from time to time, I’m sure).

The upshot of this is that every now and then I get a barrage of promise-laden text messages, usually followed by a long silence when he realises what he’s said and gets scared. He’ll appear again, I’m sure of that, so more about him later. Maybe.

Over the time I’ve known him, he’s led to a lot of dream-chasing, the occasional bit of angst and (in the light of recent events) my revision of what exactly constitutes a Perfect 10. Well, a lady is allowed to change her mind!

That’s enough of my tangled love life for now; I’m sure it will form an integral part of this blog (at least, I hope it does, or I will be heading down that nasty blind alley marked “Celibacy” again…).

In fact, that’s enough for this evening. I don’t want to overwhelm you with too much weirdness at once.

blueangel x