Shaking the devil off my tail

It still keeps creeping up; the feeling of unease that won’t let me alone for long.  I have tried and tried to analyse and exterminate it, but still keep going round and round in circles.

At the moment, hardly a day seems to go by without it and it intrudes at the most surprising times.  I am starting to think that my brain is hardwired to hit me round the head with something negative at every available opportunity.  I don’t know what else to do about it, to be honest.  I’ve tried the tricks that are supposed to break a chain, confound a circle of thought, but none of them work.  Do I have to accept that the negative side of my brain has more muscle?

The ironic thing is that the circle is all about a line - if you follow me.  The old bugbear of linear time is the thing that circles around me like a vulture.  I would laugh about it if I could.

The other big issue is down to my own self-worth, or not, as the case may be.  I am well aware that there is a small but well-defined part of me that feels that I somehow “don’t deserve” what I now have and that at some pointin the not-too-distant future, it will be ripped away from me and I will be back to worse than square one.

Is it about deserving anyway?  Have I never progressed beyond the feelings of Catholic guilt that were instilled in me by my family - that no matter how hard I tried, I would never be quite good enough to deserve or merit what I really wanted, or felt I needed?

This is utter bollocks, I know.  I am just as “deserving” as anyone else - in fact, probably more than some people, the arseholes that have no respect for others, nor desire to do anything to serve others.  As a human being, I’m probably not that bad, but my fatal flaw is to feel that I’m not worthy.

I’m still going round and round; I’m aware that writing down the thought is part of exorcising it, but I don’t know whether it has taken me even half a step nearer where I ought to be.

Fred is clearly exasperated with me too; he shouted down my ear earlier when I was doing the ironing.  His comment was “live your life” - and I understand why he emphasised it the way he did, as I’m in danger of painting dark colours on a part that should not be shaded in that way.

I will try to live tomorrow without the devil on my tail.  One day at a time.