Sleepless in the South….

I’m still having problems sleeping.

The days are fine but I find myself getting apprehensive as it gets nearer bedtime. Of course, sleep only comes easy to the relaxed mind and night after night I find I am fighting with it. As ever, my analytical mind makes me want to pin a reason on it, but there are many.

One is that I suspect my control freak tendencies are getting to me. Sleep is a lack of control over consciousness and at the moment, the thought of being oblivious for hours at a time isn’t a very pleasant one. Yes, I know that’s a bit odd.

I’ve had periods in my life before when I have feared sleep, usually borne either of the fear of nightmares or of not waking up again.

As a result of this, I feel tired and weary; when I do sleep, it’s fitful and punctuated by wisps of dreams that I can neither remember nor shake off adequately.

In sleep, I am alone with the contents of my head and at times like this, it’s not a very nice place to be. I know that part of this is upheaval finally catching up with me, the upheaval that I thought I was dealing with well. Just goes to show how life comes back to bite one on the bum, doesn’t it?

I’m also aware that I live my life in seven-year cycles and I am just coming to the start (or end) of one. At these times I have always found that anxiety and depression seem to peak and become difficult to manage, or sometimes even worse than this. I have no idea why it works in this way. My doctor observed it some time ago and although it doesn’t quite go like clockwork, it’s fairly accurate.

Can nature ever be defeated? Nurture can; I’ve proved that one to myself. But nature is harder, more ingrained, woven into DNA; traits, tendencies, weaknesses… and strengths.

So what I must do next is try to use the strengths, my inbuilt stubbornness to fight the contents of my mind again.

What I need though is a point of reference, a belief. That is what I really lack, as it’s always been a fairly fragile thing for me. I’m easily wavered, a true Doubting Thomasina. I’ve challenged Fred to help me, but he is silent.

This is why, even now, I feel very alone in the world - even with you, as I know you bear the same sort of doubting mechanism that I do. The ironic thing is, I think I have managed to help you a little in this way by some of the strange things that I know - but they are never any help to me.

I’m getting nowhere at the minute; my mind is drifting, bouncing from one doubt to another and not harnessing anything useful.

I need to find the thorny, irritating, cussed bits of myself and latch on to them instead.