Reviewing the job… Or jump in haste, repent at leisure

I have now been in this job for just over three months. I arrived on January 21st and it is now the end of April. Since that time, there have been a few passable moments, but not much else.

I can’t complain about the people I work with on a day-to-day basis; they are good, kind and generous, even if the conversation is a bit pedestrian at times. That might be down to me though, as I am used to working with men and there is a whole world of difference to working in an environment that is almost entirely female.

The job itself is another issue. it’s rather like one of the descriptions of Chaos from the Old Testament*; “without form and void”. Try as I might, it’s hard to find much that is interesting about it, but far, far worse is the lack of responsibility compared to what I was doing before. In short, it’s crap.

The “old” job, warts and all, had some incredibly boring portions, but the work I had to do was mine; my responsibility, mine to organise, mine to get right or wrong (as the case may be, although I think in the main I did a good job) and mine to get on with. Now virtually everything I do is doled out to me on a “job by job” basis, which, during bad moments, makes me feel incredibly useless.

I’m not enjoying the working environment either; stuck in the corner of a large open-plan office there is no space, no privacy and some days I find this desperately difficult. I am just about managing to do some writing here, but it is hard and I am constantly looking over my shoulder.

Maybe it’s the fault of the previous job; maybe I had far too much responsibility for a person of my grade and I shouldn’t have had as much lassitude as I did; I don’t know. Or maybe it’s the lack of organisation here and the amount of control that is exerted by She who must be Obeyed.

In any case, it is getting me down. Today is a particularly bad day, I realise that, but I am disheartened by the lack of opportunity to get out of here, either temporarily or permanently. I am even starting to look forward to meetings (horror of horrors) as they represent a change of environment. I have even found one person that thinks I have good ideas. I need to build on this as much as I can, as there is a small chance that it might lead to something more interesting.

But the bottom line is that I am stuck here for now. There are no suitable jobs in this small city and I have to ve very careful about looking for something that is too far away as the travelling (and the costs of it) could be crippling and counterproductive.

I still don’t feel as though I am working to the grade for which I am paid, which is a really bad thing. I experienced that about eighteen months ago on a very abortive secondment, which I extricated myself from after six weeks as it was a pointless exercise.

This time there is no quick way out and I am forced to twiddle my physical and mental thumbs whilst I wait for the right opportunity. I am trying not to think too far ahead as it gives rise to a sense of desperation.

At least the discontent is doing one positive thing for me, as I have written two and a half chapters in the last few days. Now I need to keep the momentum up on this as it might be the key to not going insane for thirty-seven and a half hours a week.

I feel dreadfully isolated today. I’m in a room full of people, but I feel alone and hope that I don’t feel like this after I have finished work.

Tomorrow is Beltane, the first day of summer, but there are dense clouds overhead with nothing but the promise of yet more rain.

*Used in the text of Haydn’s “Creation”, if you’re interested in that sort of thing.