Finding a breathing space

I had a dreadful day yesterday. I was suffering from dissociation; I’ve had it before, but not for a long time – and I’d forgotten what a truly awful feeling it is.

To those who don’t know, it’s like being dropped into a glass jar. You’re aware of the world going on around you, but you have no point of contact with it. In effect, it’s like not being there. It’s usually linked with a feeling of impending doom, the fear of fainting, throwing up or screaming the place down in public before being carted off by the men in white coats. It’s that bad; I kid you not.

I know what caused it; it’s the culmination of the last twelve months. I’ve hung on, dug in, done whatever I could to try and stay on a level, but it’s all just become too much. I’m too overwhelmed by stress hormones and the reality that I have given up just about everything to be where I am, but the knowledge that where I am doesn’t feel entirely stable.

One of the major stressors has been having to choose my moments to say what I think and feel. As my words will affect a bunch of other people, I can’t just give vent to everything when I feel like it. It has been like wandering through a minefield; say the wrong word and everything will blow up in my face. I’ve feared that so much.

That has been tough; tougher than I ever thought it would be. I’m fairly reasonable at diplomacy but am by no means the world’s best. I have tried to do what I thought was the most appropriate thing at the time and often, that meant having to keep my mouth shut, having to bide my time.

But yesterday pointed out to me that silence isn’t always the best policy; it was starting to kill me. I’ve been worried for a while that I was going to be seriously ill if I can’t download some of the angst elsewhere and that feeling of being detached from everything was the final straw.

Luckily for me, you recognise that feeling as a symptom of severe, intolerable stress. Now maybe we can both move on, in the same direction, albeit with slightly different agendas.

I might be a bit less oblique when I’m more sure of the road.